BBB Entry #22
Must do - Check in with yourself. Make sure that what you do and say makes you happy.
Why - Out of habit, we tend to do things that don’t honor or bring happiness to our daily grind. When we do this, we tell ourselves through actions that we are not worth it. Not honoring can be attributed to our struggles with self-esteem.
I feel happier. How about you? Not to say I don’t have those moments where I want to retreat to the life that I was miserably comfortable in. Yes, those moments where I just want to cuss somebody out and make them wish they didn’t wake up this morning. Where I can be as raunchy as I used to be, get some of that pent-up negative energy out - on somebody else (LOL). I shouldn’t even get any pleasure in thinking this way, but I am not perfect. Just like you, I am still a work in progress. Every day I am in the grind of working hard toward this walk. I digress!
The feeling of happiness has been keeping me in check. The warm feelings pull me toward this new being I am becoming. I continue towards the emotion to have it more often in my life. I want happiness to stay in my life as depression and sadness had been for so many years. The goal is to live the rest of my existence with happiness. When I fall back into old habits, I use negative emotions to become signals to retreat. So I continue to try to maneuver my new habits. Often not well, maybe even unsuccessfully, but I praise myself like the baby. Sometimes I can get through the obstacle like a pro, while I often find myself stumbling through haphazardly. Even more often, I can only recognize that I am failing but noticing makes all the difference. Noticing is the preparation needed to help facilitate the change that is to come when that same trial presents itself again.
What I Realized
I often cried myself to sleep at night, not understanding the circles I was going in. Why couldn’t I find something else to struggle through. Now I know that until you conquer the circle, you will keep going round until you do. Once you are out of that circle, you move onto the next obstacle, and if not conquered, this also becomes a circle. It is up to you how many times you go around or if at all. You can be in the same circle for your entire life. If you are determined enough, you may find yourself on many of these before your demise. You are learning your lessons, or you are not (circle). When life gets the most difficult, I try to remember what life was like before choosing to have happiness eternal. It makes a choice no longer a difficult one.
I choose to love my current significant other, and every day I spend time trying to make sure he can feel it. The energy that I put towards him is the same energy that I receive back. Only good vibes and feelings towards him, even when trying to find fault, instead focus on my weaknesses. I work on my flaws to make myself better. The same goes for the happiness in life. I have chosen happiness for myself, and when I feel it floundering, I pick an activity that changes my core feelings back into a more pleasurable feeling. It is so important to find numerous activities that bring you joy. Activities you can do with others, others, yourself, and yourself. This repertoire is for when you don’t know how to react. You will hold onto these treasures and pull them out when necessary; you will utilize them when you’re on a roll or even when you think you can’t get any higher. It is like feeling up an air balloon. The more you fill it, the higher it gets.
What I Did Next
I allowed some moments to be empty. There will come a time when you will have nothing to fill yourself with. Every human being has these days and times where there is nothing you can do to serve yourself. A moment where you need just to be and hope that you are high enough to not crash into the ground. So blow your head up for as long as you can and as often as you can. Feed yourself happiness daily, hourly, and second by second. Your toil and extra effort will come in handy when you least expect it. You can then float on happiness until the other moments pass and go back to business as usual when you have the energy once again to fill yourself up.