BBB Entry #25
Must do - Pay attention to joys from your past that resurface.
Why - You were most authentically you as a child. When things from your past resurface that create happiness for you, you will know you are on the right track.
When I was young, grammar school age up until my twenties, I would constantly dream nightmares, daydreams, and fantasies. I dreamed as much as I lived as a youth. Most of the time, they were just weird collages of life on earth. They never made an ounce of sense. I just figured dreams entertained, nothing more. There were also many nights I would have nightmares. These would make more sense and flowed more like a disjointed movie. To this day, I can remember the mares as if they happened last night. I had so many dreams that I became intrigued with trying to understand them. They had to mean something because I would repeatedly have the same dreams. I began to study the meaning of dreams and buy books on interpretation. I found that many of the mares I was having were manifestations of the trials in my life. My dreams predicted my future in a way that prepared me for the results of my trauma. I wasn’t aware that these dreams, no matter the form, would be integral to my ability to endure. Not well, but I did survive!
As an adult in my thirties, I never questioned what happened to the dreams. I rarely had dreams, and by my late-thirties, I had none relatively. It wasn’t until I married and found myself having nightmares every night once again (as I did as a toddler). I was having night terrors, sweats and I was staying up most of the night. During that time, I was pregnant with my second child and was already pretty sleepless. The mares were so terrifying that I had to pray to God for peace at night so that I wasn’t high-strung during the day. Suddenly I began to think about all the time that I had no dreams at all and wondered precisely when they stopped. Where had the dreams gone? Why was I not dreaming, and why was I only having nightmares? Once again, I picked up the dream dictionaries and found all my old paraphernalia on unlocking dreams for interpretation. My subconscious began to talk to me again and guide me. It was a couple more months of sleepless nights, interpreting, and prayers to the Almighty before I found peace.
What I Realized Dreaming once again revived my spirit. I was finally back on the right track. After spending years, decades in a space and place I did not belong, things took a turn for the better. I listened to the dreams as best as I could at the time. I went back to the gift of interpretation and began to see the changes in self take hold. It once again became part of who I was. I was awakened from the unknown slumber that had me bound. There was no more of a struggle to improve me as it once was. I set a goal, and things were moving in the direction I set course on. At first, it was hard, but the more I put one foot in front of the other, the easier it became. I recognized my faults quickly and turned the corner to betterment much quicker than I thought was plausible. When I first started, my doubts were large and consuming, but I got on bended knee and decided to walk forward anyway.
So what core element of your person is missing? Has it been gone so long that you are not even sure what is gone? Once I began to listen and open up to myself, the things that I had a hard time doing happened anyway. The universe took care of the things I couldn’t handle on my own. My job was to stay put together during the painful process; in order to do that, I had a lot of mental work to do. I needed to journal to keep myself accountable, something I also did with fidelity in my youth. My poetry also came back to me once I began to journal. It dawned on me that this was my purpose, writing, expressing myself through words on a page. The more I wrote, the better I felt. I reread them often to stay on track and keep myself motivated. Day by day, I actually felt myself getting stronger. I no longer questioned my advancement in these areas. I opened up to my closest family and friends, spoke to them about my transition back to self. I began to receive the love and support I needed and not just the kind they were willing to give.
What I Did Next
If you know what is missing, then return to it now - today. Give yourself thirty days of integrating this element back into your life and see what opens up for you. If you are unaware like I was, open yourself up to happiness, which will somehow manifest itself. It might be a long time coming unless you stay completely open (just a warning). When it shows itself, acknowledge it and explore why it is that this joy is no longer a part of your life. After I realized I had not been dreaming at all and then began to dissect my mares, I noticed a theme in them. I was not in a good relationship, not working in the profession by my design, and as a result, I was no longer myself. Everything needed to change and immediately. I took control of the relationship part by finally letting go of the poison I had held onto since twenty-three. I could not just walk away in fear I would not be able to support my children without the income. Life took care of that for me!
My life drastically changed with just two actions, and I began to live anew immediately after that. Life as I knew it was in the past, and it was up to me to heal the wounds that these people and things caused. I had to learn to forgive, not only the external causes but myself most of all. Dropping it all, staying positive, and walking into a future I had no plans for was a very daunting task, but I took one step at a time. Now it is your turn to note what is missing. What has returned, and what you need to do for it to blossom in your life? Doing this is like weeding a garden where the flowers are planted, but nothing grows. Until the weeds are eliminated, there is no room for the flowers to grow. They suffocate and lay dormant in the soil, waiting to be released. Release your inner flower and nourish it!