You are enough for today.
It’s Sunday morning; I finished publishing my first poetry book, HIM: Poetic Expressions of Self-Worth and decided to read passages from the Bible. In the passage reading, there was a conversation about how you live in the moment and bring peace to today. It basically talked about not being focused on the future. A lot of the time in my past, I know for a fact that I did. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I could have done differently to change my circumstances today. What I created was anxiety and fear of every choice I made. We all have to make choices, good, bad, or indifferent; having a fear of making them exacerbated my depression. I know that fear of making choices is unrealistic because all life is, are choices. I had to own up to both my good decisions as well as the bad ones.
It wasn’t healthy to only fault the decisions I made that didn’t yield the results that I wanted. I learned something from those as much as I did the pleasant ones. I have an unhealthy obsession with hurt. I was hurt so much in my youth that all I want to do is not hurt anymore. So I focused on how to prevent it instead of how to deal with it. The truth is once I stopped focusing on the fact that I made a mistake and began to figure ways to deal with it better than yesterday, my today’s finally started to become more pleasing. No longer do I dream of a happier future. I am actively creating it by honoring all my decisions, good and bad.
Reflection is the best tool to create the world that you want for yourself. It allows you to plan by using the examples of today to pool your resources into finding other ways to handle situations. Reflection isn’t to punish yourself, which I did for a long time, as discussed in True Reflections. Maybe you’re not gifted in some areas of growth. Use your village to learn from their lessons and strategies to build upon. Reflection should allow your brain to open up in a new way. If you are not learning and broadening your view, you are doing something other than reflecting. After being with yourself to ponder the days’ events, you should have gained clarity and perspective that helps you maneuver through the hard times.
It took me a long while to understand the concept, as relayed to you in the above paragraph. I spent plenty of time with myself, but I was dwelling on the negative about who I was and what I was doing. Reflection can be an unnecessary component of the day if utilized in this manner. I had to put a positive spin even on my ponderings. If I look back, there was plenty of times that I reflected on jobs and relationships in a way that was not beneficial to me. I had all this extra time on my hands during quarantine. I began to reflect on everything all the time. It was then that I realized how I was contemplating was the problem. I was causing my own unhappiness and depression. That is not to say that all depression issues are anything like mine. Some people are suffering from depression on another level that I will never understand. But for me, I realized that my mind was a powerful tool, and if I utilized it better, maybe I would get better.
I decided to take responsibility for my reactions. My reactions caused me to spiral and lead to all the unpleasantries that I had faced in my life. Not to say that there weren’t initial situations that were not in my control, but my reactions made the unpleasant conditions worse. How I dealt with adversity allowed my circles to continue to swirl around me and suffocate me in the process. It made me dizzy, and the dizziness created fear, the fear produced walls, and the walls kept me from living freely. I was afraid to feel, and the more I pretended that I wasn’t just a big ball of feelings, the angrier I became. Anger was a false sense of strength which made me more emotional because I had to bottle up my feelings. The only feeling I presented was my false strength, anger. I have faith that the circle that I have been in for so long won’t be the same, or the distance of my orbit will at least be smaller.
Make sure that reflections are beneficial. Self-Worth is what is needed to begin to create the change. There should be a positive, uplifting feeling after a pondering. Keep your thoughts focused on the days’ events. Fantasizing has nothing to do with the process. Deal with actual events that took place that was handled well, and applaud yourself. If you had a rough go at it, look at what you can do to change the outcome if the same thing transpires again. All we can do is try to be better than we were yesterday. Regretting the past also will not create brighter outcomes, so don’t go farther than a day. Decide that you want forever happiness and that it starts today. Wake up in the morning and choose joy. Go to bed, dwelling on moments of happiness. The world will try to prevent this goal, but it is the only job that matters.
Example: Yesterday, I spent a lot of time thinking about my significant other. These are moments of happiness to dwell on. I am very proud of myself for taking a leap of faith in loving him. In the past, I would fantasize about what I wanted the relationship to be. (This should have been a sign to leave that relationship alone.) Fell in love with the thoughts of what I wanted them to be or something they did such a long time ago. As a result, I loved them way too long and ended up damaging myself in the end. Now, I think about what we did just the night before or that morning before he headed off to work. I try not to look too far into the past (although all of our memories are absolutely delicious). I think about what he has done today that makes me happy. I am trying very hard not to think about what I can do the next time we’re together. Fantasizing also isn’t good for my state of mind. Just live in the moment and enjoy it right now!