Contentment in Chaos

BBB Entry #9


Must do - No matter how big or small the problem, your ability to stay calm and level headed is key.


Why - Problems are not in our control, but how we handle them is. When we allow our emotions to dictate how we handle a situation, our decisions are less logical and more erratic.


Perspective:

I have contentment in the midst of the chaos. No, this is not something I could accomplish on my own. Usually, in major crises, I tend to be my calmest. Maybe this is because I am sure I can do nothing to prevent it; I can rest in that type of mess. The small things or decisions that I make cause me to feel absurdly out of control. Small things are preventable, yes! I should be able to prevent the catastrophe if I can change the small things that create them. Small things make me think I could have done something differently and had a better outcome in the grand scheme of things. More controllable because it is small, right? False. No matter how big or small, all things that happen are never in your control. You only have control over your reactions. Unless, of course, you are psychic and predict the future.


What I Realized

I used to believe with my whole heart that somehow I could have changed a small detail and prevented my pain. Never realizing that this too was hindsight, after the fact, false thinking. All anyone has really is hindsight. Which, too, can be useful for another time or to prevent possibly the repetition of the same hurt. The size of a problem or trauma does not matter. It just is, and what makes it lasting is our reactions to those circumstances. The false belief that we can control life is what makes small things exacerbate into something much bigger. Yet, I kicked myself for every slip or slide that I took. Never contemplating that some of it was direly necessary to get to the ultimate goal. Instead of concentrating on my response to the movement, I focused on making it somehow disappear. Unless superheroes are actually real, I put unrealistic expectations on myself, which allowed me to be more traumatized by the event, feeling like I did nothing to make it better. There the circle of false thoughts created a highly insecure individual that had nothing to be upset about besides her attitude.



What I Did Next

So how did I change for the better? Simply...I let go, and more specifically for me, I began to let God. Now I am not preaching get saved, especially if that is not your cup of tea. Truthfully for a long time, it wasn’t mine either. But life scared the, for lack of a better word, the shit out of me. I had never believed in angels and demons before until I was looking in the face of a hell being. It changed my whole perspective on life, and I no longer wanted to walk through life with the goggles of fear. It was the first time that I realized that everyone does not want or desire what I do. Not everyone has good intentions; not everyone is good or wants to be good. I always believed that everyone has good within them and that it is choices that they make. It is not always that simple, and since there is so much choice in living, people make some that they can never return from. Like death, some pleasures for one man are the destruction of others. I had to accept this fact and the fact that I could never, ever understand it as well.


As human beings, we choose what kind of happiness we want to receive. The choice we have is our reaction, use of hindsight, and our emotions and actions displayed during and after the fact. FOCUS! The focus should be on calming reactions that are not beneficial to happiness. Learning to transfer feelings of calm to all things/issues/predicaments no matter how big or small. Allowing my reactions only further to reinforce my determination to be happy. Focus on what control truly is versus the scripted version of self after the fact. Be fallible to self and then forgive those defects. If you thrive in turmoil, then act accordingly, throw a fit and enjoy yourself. If you want peace, then the same applies. Act accordingly by being peaceful even in a situation that calls for everything but peace. Looking for love, then give it freely. If you put a high price on your love, then you have to pay the same price to receive it.


Have faith in yourself. Have faith in the person you believe yourself to be. Believe that you are engaging in becoming a better version of yourself on a day to day basis. Embrace your struggles, faults, bad decisions, and heartaches just as you do your success, strengths, great choices, and life long loves. Base your faith in knowing that you, of all people, have your best interest at heart, that you mean well even though the things you do and say may not align well with what you like to present to others. Just as you give others the benefit of the doubt, do the same for yourself. Give yourself credit where credit is due. It would be best if you valued all of yourself to sustain happiness. The mind is yet the most powerful thing that we all have control over. You have ultimate control when you can control what you think and do. Sounds simple, but when you have spent a lifetime doing the opposite, you will find that every day is a battlefield in the beginning. You will be in inner turmoil until the new voice you are cultivating becomes stronger than the one that has been dominating for years.


I will continue to work on the unnecessary panic to have more minute by minute peace in my life. My task seems to be propelling forward without me forcing things. It has been a long time, if ever, that I have just gone with the flow. I have control issues that stem from past traumas. For a long time, I have blamed myself for letting those things repeatedly happen instead of concentrating more on dealing with them. The emotional wounds were deeper than the physical trauma. As a result, I cannot ever feel like I have conquered them. Like the AA says, it is a day by day thing, and some days are better than others. Truly I could have saved myself from so much extra heartache if I better understood that concept much sooner in life. Once again, separating others' feelings of transgressions from me. My actual feelings on being betrayed in such ways are not what I thought they were. I was angrier with myself than I ever was with my transgressors. I should not have blamed myself because I endured despite the trauma. Not well, but I survived another day to “tell the tale” and grow from the experience. That deserves a pat on the back instead of a kick in the pants. I was too young to really quantify these things positively. Even my reaction was all I knew to do, so I can’t allow myself to continue to abuse myself, and neither should you. The goal is to change your outlook on your successes and failures. Forgive yourself!