Fall Apart

BBB#41

Must do - Have your moments not to have it together.


Why - Everything has a meaning, a reason to why it needs to be. Allow yourself time to fall apart and have a good cry.


Perspective:

Sometimes you need to fall apart to put things back together again. This mental break isn’t something you can plan for but if it presents itself and you need the outlet, utilize it! There are more than enough days where enough is enough. Nothing can be said, and you may be unsure what the next step is. Those empty valleys make the mountain peaks that much more breathtaking when you see the view from the top. You enjoy it and truly take it in for what you have gone through to get there. In the valley, you must be in the moment, go through the paces and figure out what lessons to keep with you. Figure out what is the hardest for you to handle when you are in these dark places.


I had a mental break the other day. The events caused a build of emotions that turned into a blowout. I directed my anger at the person I felt wasn’t living up to their responsibility. It wasn’t necessarily my mates’ responsibility, as I wanted him to care for me. I had to dig deeper. I discovered that because he was meeting my basic needs as my S.O. He should want what I wanted, which was to be his in every way possible. The problem was that it was something I had not expressed to him. I wanted him to know automatically and blaming him because there was no way for him to understand unless I was transparent.


I got mad at what I thought was a dismissal of my feelings instead of a genuine cluelessness that yours truly created. I was angry because I felt that I was direct when I spoke—not realizing that I was beating around the bush. It must be that I wasn’t that important to them, so here I am in another place, feeling negative about myself and the choices I made. I began to make myself feel bad that once again, I fell for the wrong guy. My valley, of course, spiraled into other aspects of my life. Maybe I had also chosen the wrong career as I had chosen the wrong s.o.


What I Realized

The truth is that I had not been clear on what I needed. The strategies that I had used previously didn’t work, and I was unsure how to get the message across. All of my energy I began to hold in to create a perfect scenario where I could speak and be heard. I tried and only made things worse. One night, I cried and asked to release the holds preventing better communication. I prayed and cried for many days until I spoke to him and created understanding. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that I was treating our conversations as I did in my previous relationship. If I learned to purge the old and embrace the new, I might get what I wanted sooner. Instead, I padded my truth with all the flowers, which my previous mate needed because his ego was fragile. With Alpha, I had to let it out exactly how I felt it; this was the only way he would receive my message. He had no fragility to avoid. Once I did just that, I didn’t worry about how I said it. I just spoke my truth, and my new beau was finally receptive to the message.


What I Did Next

I had done some of the same things that I did with my relationships in my career. I learned to censor what I was saying because people weren’t receptive to my truth. Had I been more honest with myself and the others surrounding me, I might not have wasted so much time in a career that was only a third pleasing. It wasn’t that I wasn’t good at my job. It just lacked many qualities that I needed to be happy and fulfilled. When I stopped paying attention to my lack of happiness, it began to trickle down my work ethic. My energy lacked, I was no longer enthusiastic about going to work anymore, but I was scared to fail. Anything worth having….right. So although things seemed to be misplaced, it didn’t mean anything to learn about myself and situations. Even in the valley, you may find that there is growth that needs to take place. It is dire you make the change, and if you are unwilling to flow, the universe has a way of pushing in the direction you need to go. It is up to you though to be present for the lesson. Within twenty-four hours, I went through all the emotions and arrived ready to plan for the next stage in my life and career.