Born Beautifully Boundless Entry #2
Must do - Spend several hours a day in self-reflection.
Why - Spend time with self, focus on self. It will help you remain clear on who you are and what you want to be. Things change, and we will need to adjust accordingly, but we can’t if we haven’t noticed and embraced our growth or constant.
So, after I pulled my groin, there was time spent alone with self during the middle of the night. Self-reflection allowed me to reexamine my unhappiness and make a decision. No matter the long list of negatives that I could run through about how life should have been, I would not let that dictate my happiness level. I could no longer look at myself and count everything as a failure but a process. I was given one life, and like everyone was bound to make mistakes and often repeat them if I didn’t deal with them.
A perfect opportunity to limit myself exponentially through fears and feelings of inadequacy. A beautifully boundless being bounded herself with doubts, grief, and now insecurities from failures. A once full of life social person, became the exact opposite of herself. I had suffered at the hands of fate, life, society, teachers, parents, government, traumas, and finally myself. Somehow, I forgot how to praise myself for trying, putting myself out there, and experiencing life – the good and the rest. My natural gift to be boundless had been diminished, and by age forty, nearly non-existent. Anyone who knew me back when I was a young kid could tell you that it didn’t matter what people said. If I believed it, it was so. There is nothing wrong with believing in yourself, even despite others.
What I Realized
Life seemed to be so finite. This only made me feel more inadequate, and this created my unhappiness.
So how could I return to my true self after so many years of being something else? Well, when the pain of the pulled groin presented itself, I had to make a plan. Day by day, I tried to follow the plan or stick closely to it. I didn’t make myself feel bad when I wasn’t following the plan or needed to modify the plan because it wasn’t working. Perseverance was the key to be better and to feel better. It was time that I listened to self, even when what I was thinking wasn’t good or maybe self-destructive. Even in the discoveries that you learn about yourself, there is truth that is less than perfect or even bad. I started with a plan, which included exercise and yoga. It helped me get my body moving daily, even if I didn’t want to. Every day I took stock of what worked and what didn’t. Then I modified and kept going. Some days were successful, and others downright “not.” But even on those days, I didn’t get mad at myself for not being productive. I gave myself leeway to need or want to do other things, which also made me smile. One day at a time, I added something to my day that brought me joy until I found myself unable to keep up. Then again, I modified. I changed the game several times until I found something comfortable, easy to sustain, and the best for what I needed at the time.
You will find that there are wants, and then there are needs. As you discover those needs, they take precedent, priority over everything else. Needs must be met to accomplish what you want. If you do things backward, you cannot set yourself free. Instead, you place yourself in a trap that never truly fulfills you, and eventually, you are back at square one, or further behind than you have ever found yourself. I needed something to check my emotions daily, even minute by minute if necessary, I needed something to accomplish, just for me and about me, and I needed human connection. What are your needs?
What I Did Next
I had to actively listen to myself with the open ears I wanted others to have for me when I spoke. But if I wasn’t taking the time to listen to myself, how in the hell could I ask someone else to do something I was not willing to do for myself. When I listened actively, I had to hear and respond accordingly by doing something. I wanted to do yoga every morning, but my schedule didn’t allow me to do this and everything else. So instead of blaming myself, I kept it as a mental note of something I love and would pick up another time when I could accomplish this activity along with my needs. What was more important for my health and survival was prayer and bible study. So, I found that it was either working out or my quiet time with the word in the morning. I chose the word. Wants can be postponed; needs cannot be.
The listening didn’t stop once I found a routine that worked and was easy to maintain. In all the planning towards happiness, you will find that your hang-ups will present themselves in your life. Maybe even be a stronger temptation to be who you were and not who you are trying to be. You must actively listen. NO blame, no-fault, no excuses when it comes to your struggles either. This is just a course of action to improve my flaws so that these don’t draw me back into a fearful, limited space and halt my progression to being a healthier me. Deciding to listen actively to all inner conversations was the beginning of my journey toward happiness.