Unbecoming

BBB Entry#28


Must do - Immediately rid yourself of any interpersonal activities, mindset or attitudes that hinder progress.


Why - As you reorder your priorities you will come upon other attitudes that are unbecoming of who you are trying to be. These things should be addressed immediately so that it doesn't get lost among the many tasks needed to achieve happiness.


Perspective:

Not everyone is fortunate enough or desires to have children, but they can really come in handy when you are trying to better yourself. Parenting gives you an extra incentive to strive towards excellence because it offers your offspring a chance to stand solid. You want better for them than what you received as a youth, so you try your best to be better and do better in whatever context in which you feel you can. This will help them achieve all the things you could not because of your extra baggage. I have been really putting in some mad overtime hours trying to improve myself. Make myself better, and a happier, healthier human being to be able to pass on these traits on. Where I fail, I hope my children will pick up the torch and improve themselves - so on and so forth.


My ten year old was born during the time I needed the most saving. I was alone in the world, or so I thought, and I always wanted someone to love and care for. When he came though, I was more unprepared than I could ever imagine. All my insecurities and less than loving qualities is what I poured into him daily, unknowingly. Although I hugged and kissed him often, what lied underneath was all of the things that I had swept under the rug. I hid my feelings of inadequacy, lack of self worth and my toxic thoughts or so I thought. My relationship with his father was non-existent and I was reluctantly raising our child on my own. This made me bitter. Even more so, I couldn’t even discuss my frustrations with his absence. So my bitterness and anger which I thought was well hidden, was what I raised him with.


Now that I am in the midst of a metamorphosis I find myself reminded daily of who I was. When my son struggles with his emotions and anger, I see myself only a few years ago. It helps keep me on track toward my goals. When I feel like losing it, and reverting to what I was accustomed to I look at how he reacts and I see how immature I had been for years. At the same time I feel so sorry for his struggles and take full responsibility for them. It is because of mommy he struggles in areas that he should never have to struggle in. The only way I can make this deficit better is by showing him the change of my own course of actions to feeling and being better. This is my reason for staying on the path even when things get really hard and I want to change course. I can make him better by bettering myself because I was unbecoming.


Many days this is not an easy task, it sometimes makes me upset to see how angry I was in his youth. Lately though it makes me laugh to see how immature I had been for so many years. I understand now, why my mate was my mate. Two immature adult individuals, taking out all their frustrations on each other. Never talking, just taking jabs at each other and only when they were quieted did they ask for things that could never come to fruition. Neither listened, nothing solved, just thrown at each other and both unequipped to handle the issues at hand. Neither of us found an advocate, although I tried a few times but was unsuccessful. We knew there was a better way but the love bond between us was stronger than our weak selves. It wasn’t until I actually found myself growing stronger that I found it harder to deal with the circumstances as they were. The more I grew the less attractive my mate became because unlike me he refused to grow, acknowledge or even address the deficits we had in our relationship.


If you have children you may understand the desire to want more for them. For their struggle not to be as significant as your own. Use them to motivate yourself when you are feeling tapped out. If you do not have any, is there someone in your life that you care about and who is influenced by you? Any person who looks up to you, or that comes to you for advice often because they feel you have it together a little more than they do? It does not have to be a person that is younger than you to motivate you for the better. In some cases it might even be a spouse, or another family member who looks fondly to you. Or someone you feel that you need to be better for. These are wonderful relationships to draw from when you are needing some inspiration.


There are qualities about yourself that are unbecoming, and now is the time to shed what is lacking. It may be apparent what you find less appealing about yourself. Some of these qualities may not be so noticeable about yourself, but others have pointed them out time and time again. Take stock of those comments that people have thrown at you. They may not be totally accurate because of their lack of knowing you well but it is a place to begin. Don’t worry about the rest, there will come a time when the things that are less apparent come to the forefront. You can only really tackle one thing at a time and manage the others. Each one, teach one let’s pull each other up from the depths of degradation and hopelessness.