There are steps you can take to alleviate or eliminate your fears.
I was fed up with living in fear. It felt like I was a bystander, watching my life pass me by without absorbing my successes, only internalizing my failures. Good times were drowned underneath the depression, obsessions, co-dependency, and emotionally abusive relationships (HIM: Poetic Expressions of Other Emotions). The world brought me many traumas, and I was only strong enough to allow minor graces to myself. The cycle continued and what I loathed most was the energy that magnetized itself to me. I was exhausted with the daily fight to provide a smile for myself. A never-ending battle with self and the world outside is a losing battle.
There was not enough that I could do for forty more years to endure what I went through again. One night I sat in my room full of tears at the last bout the world had taken me through. It was then that I surrendered and told God that I couldn’t take another step. If I were of any importance, then He would have to do the rest. I was done; there was not another ounce I could give without imploding. Well, the journey had just begun because the next day was the same and for two more years after that. Every day I had not another ounce, so I gave it over and decided I would spend my time doing everything that made me happy. Meanwhile, God would have to take care of the rest. I was out of solutions, resolutions, tactics, strategies, and whatever else to pull myself out of the deep crater I found myself in.
Reflection: At the beginning, I decided I would solely focus on myself (BBB#6 Stay Focused) and what I needed from the universe to begin to see life differently. The first thing I asked for was a walking mate. I didn’t want to go through life alone – I had spent 40 years doing that already, and there was no joy for me alone. I prayed that he would send him to me right then, no wait, no need for too many formalities because I didn’t have the patience to play. I promised to open myself for the experience, whatever it was, and take it as a blessing every day. The only condition was that it couldn’t be beyond what I could handle at the time, or even more than what I thought I could. I put faith that the next guy who wanted to apply for the position, I would seriously give it my all and everything whether they were ready or not.
The prayer was to have faith in myself and the decisions that I made. No matter what comes, I could handle it and be more than okay if it didn’t work out. Coincidentally, this is still a daily prayer for more than just the romantic aspects of my life. Once I finished my prayer, I began to focus on myself. What did I want? And I spoke it out loud so that at least one pair of ears heard my desires. It became a daily affirmation that I speak daily. The affirmation prompted a prayer that I say when I first wake up in the morning. The prayer comes first, then my affirmation when the sun is still rising in the skies. I don’t rush to get up. Instead, I mull over those words, and sometimes I may have to do further meditation, praying for specific words spoken in both.
The Test: I remind myself with an alarm to prevent me from forgetting about myself and this time of meditation that I need for myself. The meditation is motivation for the belief that I had lacked in myself for many years. I no longer want me to get in my way! Prayer, faith, and deeply thoughtful reflections alleviated my fears (BBB#18 Building Roots). Slowly some of my fears were eliminated because I have replaced my fears with action.
Ex: I feared getting in contact with my ex. Our relationship was very co-dependent and toxic. The emotional and mental abuse was alarming, especially once I cut all ties with him. It was after, that I was able to see him clearly. I did not want ever to go back to that place (BBBTalks Ep.1). It seemed that every time I tried to get him to do something for our children, he came back into my life, stirring up trouble. So, I allowed him to disappear and figured it was best for me to stay healthy for the children. Well, they also need emotional health, which was not happening because they had no contact. I prayed that I would no longer fear him.
I meditated on what it would look like for me, and the rest of the family. I decided that he needed to play a role in their life, not mine and that I was strong enough to set the boundaries necessary to facilitate it. I prayed that if I was not and whatever deficits I had would be replenished. I walked forward in faith, and I am glad that I have begun the process. It has been difficult to bridge the gap, maintain healthy communication and create healthy boundaries for myself. Yet, it has been the most empowering thing I could have done.