Born Beautifully Boundless Entry #5
Must do - Define stability, success, and worth for yourself.
Why - If you let others/society define these words for you, you might find that you are still unhappy once you have obtained these things. What matters to the world does not mean it matters to you. How you define things will determine in which direction you should go.
I was taught that having a job, keeping it, and building from there was the stability I needed. So I chased this dream in an ever-changing society that no longer was conducive to this type of enterprise. Work was just that, work. Each paycheck felt as if I was selling myself out and short every time I went in to fulfill my agreement. But I continued to do this and chase after “it,” stability, to feel something other than inadequacy. Time and time again, the “it” became allusive, and my feelings of inadequacy only grew. “It” never did happen for me. What ended up happening was the opposite. I was totally unstable.
I began to set my sights much smaller. Goals within the company or district I worked for became the motivation. Maybe somehow, these smaller accomplishments would help me feel better about myself. When it was announced that one of my goals had been achieved, I thought I would only want to celebrate. I was more depressed than ever. My accomplishment felt more disconcerting than monumental. This figment, stability, was pursued only to find that the more I tried, the less I enjoyed life. It wasn’t the jobs themselves; it was the bureaucratic bull that was masked below the surface of the “perfect job.” Reality hit, and I found that my inner person was in even more turmoil than the occupations I worked. The idea I chased left me with a lifeless body. Me, full of life, love, laughter, and suddenly I looked around to find myself gone. I cried! It had been years since I truly laughed or had on a genuine smile. My home no longer blasted music, and had it not been for my children, I wouldn’t be alive.
What I Realized
Now I was older, angry, and becoming bitter, my life sucked. What was the point? Why was I here? Life was overrated... a horrible game of painful enjoyment. I had been here before, in this sullen place. Still not totally sure if this is/was depression or not, but this was another day of feeling lifeless. There is a fight within me that won’t give up. I can’t help but reanalyze myself, my ideals, and my own definition of stability. Come to find out, I define things differently, and that is a blessing. The problem came when I placed no value on my own ideals and expected the world to validate them, although I had not fully bought in myself yet. Stability is within. It is nothing that the outside world can offer you. No job, person, house, or possession can offer this to you, just like love, self-worth, and even happiness. You want it, you can have it, but the price is huge.
What I Did Next
Do it, and be it! Not to say that something so simple can’t be excruciatingly painful to stick with and remain faithful to. This IS the huge price you must pay, “snowflake.” Your individuality makes you, you. This idea of being uniquely you makes you worthy, valuable, capable, and tangible to all others you come in contact with. If you don’t think or know it for yourself, who else will? If you don’t value it or give it purpose, then who? Just you! Think of it as you are the only person who can offer you. If you decide that you are not, then life goes on, of course, but what do you gain when you decide to play for keeps.
This is not to dismiss the fact that you will change and grow within. Changing, redefining, and growing does not now make you unstable. What makes you unstable is when you refuse to change and flow with it. When you don’t honor change for what it is, it creates conflict. There is no control over life itself, only your life. Building a foundation on water and expecting not to drift with the ever-changing tides is not thinking stably. To KNOW water moves and that, where you are, and what you are doing, is not totally in your control, matters. What matters is how you feel within or how you handle the tides as they move? Did you find something beautiful to bask in? Or a person to connect with along the way? Have you given yourself praise for handling it? Be clear that if the inside is unstable, everything that you touch will mimic this pattern. You want life to get better, then feel better so it can be better.
One day at a time, one lesson, one activity, one smile, one laugh. This is very hard sometimes, yet very doable. As you begin to practice, find something or someone else to help. For many, individual therapy is a doable concept. But if your money is funny and time is of the essence social groups and religious organizations can also be helpful. Surround yourself with more positive people to obtain more positive results and create your stability this minute!