Learn where the fear is rooted so you can begin to heal.
My past has violations of molestation, rape, parental physical abuse, divorce, and 16 years in a mental and emotionally abusive relationship. Naturally, I have become distrustful of the world, and with that distrust, I also lost the ability to trust myself (BBB#12 Trust Yourself). If you asked me years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to digest that I did not trust myself. I would have argued that my problem was with the rest of the world, not myself. I was in denial about the part that I played in holding onto a fear created by others. Yes, I was
victimized by others, but I didn’t realize that I controlled the fact that I still walked around as if I had no power any longer because of it. Listen, I know that it may sound a little harsh, but it is actually direct love (no sugar coatings). I now understand that there are steps that I could have taken or things that I could have done to help me realize that I was just as powerful before as after. No one can take you from yourself, and they should not change how you feel about yourself.
Let me explain further: I thought there was something that I could’ve done that would have prevented these horrible things from happening, not the first time, but every time after. Without knowing it, I was taking the blame for someone else’s transgressions, and so the fear was magnetized to me. (BBB#47 In the Quiets of Your Mind) It wasn’t until I forced myself to sit in silence that I was able to admit that yes, the world scared me, but even more, my choice-making was the root of it all. I didn’t have faith in myself to make the right choices or have the strength to deal with adversity positively.
At the beginning of my life, I didn’t know how to cope with valleys. Singing songs in church uplifted me but only through the duration of the song. It was not enough. Learning stories from the bible that I could not apply to my life did not help. No one was willing to talk to me about it, so I began to write on a page (HIM: Poetic Expressions). I would share my poetry with a small audience and found some self-esteem in the sigh of my cries. Mostly though, I hid behind the words I could write on a page. It was the only place I felt safe until I wasn’t even safe there anymore. Why? No one supported the idea that writing could or would ever be more than scribbles on a page. People told me it was an unrealistic dream. I needed to grow up and join the real world.
Reflection: In the silence, I began to define what scared me and why. I wanted to know why I couldn’t leave a relationship after the first year did not benefit me? I yearned to understand why even after all this time that my depression would not lift? How come I couldn’t find happiness in the careers I choose? Why was I not genuinely happy but wearing a smile like a Halloween mask? It was vital for me to understand why I felt unearthed. Why couldn’t I stop feeling even when I was numb from it all?
There were a whole host of questions that I needed to delve into to understand who I was and who I wasn’t (BBB#3 To the Core). I began to define success, stability, authenticity, etc., for myself. Finally, I figured out who and what made me happy and all the things that didn’t. I began to practice self-love, first for moments in the day. I increased it to hours and then tried to find ways to imbed it daily to sustain my happiness. I knew my happiness was important when it came to raising my children. If I didn’t do anything else for them, I wanted to teach them how to be happy even amid storms. I began with self.
The Test: Maintaining is the hard part, at first. It is where you do the most doubting. Where finding balance is almost impossible and where life will test you beyond your limits. Stay strong, steadfast, and continue to persevere toward the goal (s) you have set for yourself. The only way I have maintained during the hardships is with prayer and meditation. It was the only way that I could authentically gain what I was lacking. When I needed peace, I prayed then took some time out to figure out how I could help achieve a peaceful state. There were times that I knew sitting in front of the computer was not where I needed to be, so instead, I took a walk or a bike ride.
No one is going to hand peace to you. If you need it or desire something, you will have to do things for yourself to ensure that you get what you need. You must know what it is you need and what it is that you want right now for happiness. Because if you don’t know what it is that you need and want, how will anyone else be clear about what it is. Be vigilant when it comes to creating a path that you enjoy walking rather than forced upon. If you walk with uncertainty, then the road you walk on will look uncertain.