BBB#63
Forgive yourself for the part you played in your unhappiness.
My Life: Yes, we can point the finger at the people and circumstances that hurt us. I have been pointing for a long time, but it didn’t make life better. It created an effect that grew. While I was so busy blaming, I was repeating the patterns that put me in the position to be victimized all over again. And the cycle continued. The apologies didn’t help; they made things worse because the apologies weren’t sincere. Those apologies were to make me passive enough to stay and endure more shenanigans. Cutting them off completely didn’t help because I always wondered if I hadn’t allowed myself to say and do what I needed to do to heal. The absence didn’t create healing. Instead, the absence made my heart grow fonder, believing that I had been the jerk in the situation. Forgiving them only made me angry and bitter, which made me spiral into depression.
What was I to do? (BBB#28 Unbecoming) It seemed that no matter what I did, I was not healing and only getting worse year by year. I had missed forgiving myself. There was a bigger part that I played in the fact that I was in excruciating pain. Okay, someone was there and maybe facilitated the original hurt, but I am still in pain years later. That was no one’s fault but my own. I had to learn to let go and forgive myself for not being perfect enough, psychic enough, clairvoyant that I didn’t do that help to facilitate the madness.
Yes, he hurt me, but why couldn’t I let go of this abusive love. I didn’t have faith that being with someone else would be any better than what I was going through. Instead, I feared that another relationship would be worse. I manifested heartache, and when I tried to leave and start over, I attracted my fears and ran with my tail between my legs back to a horrible situation. During quarantine, when my life had hit the dumps for real, and I had no prospects in any realm of my life, I began to apologize to myself. I knew this time that I could see how I ignored all the signs and continued to try to flow against my own desires. I wanted success, not my own but the kind that other people could be proud of. My mother deserved to see me succeed. She was a great mother, and I wasn’t too bad of a daughter. The problem was that it seemed that everything I touched turned to brass.
Reflection: I thought “brass” before touching it (BBB#19 Conversations for Self). I thought about a horrible relationship before even started the new one. I knew I would hate my job before my first day of work. I predicted he wasn’t about anything and still dealt with him anyway. Why? I had no faith that I could do, say, or be any better. The world can tell you are the bees’ knees, but if you are walking around believing you are a figment, then you will be exactly what you think you are — just that simple. The concept is simple, but it isn't easy to accomplish, or at least for me, it wasn't.
During COVID lockdown, I began to forgive myself for not knowing better at the age of three to allow someone to violate me. I forgave myself for violating others with my words and tears. I forgave myself for trying to numb the pain with alcohol and marijuana. I forgave myself for making choices that never led to love. For the partners that didn’t deserve to sniff it, let alone touch it. I forgave myself for not believing in myself. I forgave myself for not using my purpose and then prayed that I would find my way back to myself again.
The Test: Look, I still struggle day to day with certain aspects of this faith walk. Yet, I know what it looks like not to have faith, so I repeatedly try to get the formula right. When I am low, I take time to reflect on my mood and then pray for peace. It is not easy to see your worth, especially when you have been walking around feeling worthless for over 40 years. Yes, it’s been that long for me. After I forgave myself for everything I didn’t do right, every wrong decision – I knew deep down that I was a good person. I had some talents, and life would be better if I could only get through the garbage.
I forgave, and then I began to choose only the things in life that brought me joy. I decided I was done with the things, people, and situations that weren't satisfying. Yes, I might have made some bad choices and decisions but not every decision or choice was horrible. Even more realistically, the horrible choices and decisions didn’t kill me. I have lived beyond them and found a way to learn from them, so what was there to be angry or bitter about? I began to have faith that it wasn’t my choices that made the difference. It was my actions after the choice. I had faith that I could make a choice, good or bad, and make it through. I would find my way to happiness one step at a time. I did ya’ll!