Focus on being pleasing to yourself, and the rest will follow.
My Life: Unfortunately, I haven’t had many adult relationships. I could say that the people I hung out with and claimed were boyfriends actually were, but I know that is not the truth. Just because you give someone a label or a title doesn’t make it so. You know deep down what you are dealing with, and your insecurities only signal that what you are trying not to believe is the truth. Our spirits are very in tune with others. Our energies connect like the roots of a tree, and you can feel it. The problem is that we tend to ignore ourselves to accept the fantasies we have created in our minds.
If I am honest, I have only had two relationships in my adult life. I say that because both parties invested in the relationship. There were many other relationships, but we weren’t in it for the right reasons. Maybe we were both not interested and just going through the motions, but most times, one was interested, and the other hung around to reap benefits. I have been on both sides of that coin. My first serious relationship was everything that I didn’t want. We tried but never at the same time. I tried a lot harder than he did, but I had more to give. We weren’t suited for each other. No matter what we did, we couldn’t see eye to eye, and it was our differences ultimately broke our hearts and prevented any healing together.
Reflection: My past prevented me from seeing myself. I didn’t find worth in my tears, smiles, laughter, and monumental moments that validated who I was. Instead, I let every negative statement become the message that replayed over and over inside my head until it became my self-talk. I met some great guys through the years, but I couldn’t see them because I couldn’t see myself. Looking back, I appreciate what they tried to show me about myself, but I wasn’t ready to see myself through someone else’s eyes. I needed to stay in control because when I let someone try and show me who I was, they only reflected themself.
I began trying to see the goodness in my spirit and stop judging myself for my mistakes. The glass half full is the best way I could put it. When I had a negative mantra going on in my head, I connected it with a memory. I relooked at the memory and tried to find the good at that moment. Whether it taught me something, I made it through, or I persevered. It was then when I began to see myself more clearly. I had to have a little faith in the second relationship because I needed to see myself through healthy eyes. It helped me know that I was on the right track with my thoughts about myself.
I know that I should have been able to do it independently, but God created us to connect with others, not to be alone. So when my triggers and skeletons overshadowed my truth, my significant other stepped in and pulled down the self-deprecating cloak that I often hid behind for security. He loved all over me! Sometimes you will need another healthy spirit who loves you and want the best for you to be a sounding board. Honor that connection by nurturing their needs as well so that it doesn’t become a one-sided relationship.
The Test: Even when you are at your worst, you still have positive aspects of your personality. When mentally and spiritually unhealthy, we tend to have the most challenging time pouring our greatness into others. When I was at my lowest, I had to step up and do something for someone else without expecting something in return. Pouring out into others will fill you up as nothing else can. When you are there for your friends, family, spouse, and struggling yourself, they will pour back to you. Your relationships become stronger, healthier and you will see and be seen. Pouring into others doesn’t mean that you are trying to please. I separate the idea of trying to please when a person you are doing for does nothing in return. Ever! You keep trying in hopes that the dynamic will change. It will not. If you deal with someone as unhealthy as you and consistently damaging, you can not pour into that person.
If all else fails, pour into yourself by meditating, praying, affirming, and grasping for professional help when you create your village that is more toxic than you can deal with. You will have to learn to trust yourself and the choices you make. Some people are just for seasons. Relationships should be reciprocal, and if you find that yours aren’t, it is time to find your roots gravitating to healthy soil.